Why Everyone Should Listen to Heavy Metal

Really. I won’t elaborate.

Okay, let me elaborate. If everybody listened to metal, the world would be much less confusing.

“What music should I play at the party?”
“Some Opeth, dude. Everyone will love it.”

“I’m depressed. What should I do?”
“Just listen to some Opeth, dude.”

“There’s this girl I really like, but I don’t know how to get her to like me.”
“Serenade her with some Opeth, dude.”

“Yes! We’re getting married. Now we just need to decide on a band for the wedding.”
“Get Opeth to play, dude.”

“Mr. President, polls show your popularity is down, what do you intend to do?”
“Don’t worry, we’ll just give everybody free albums. Some Opeth, dude.”

See? Everything would be so much easier. Nobody would fight, we would just listen to metal all day. We would work in metal factories, metal mills and metal mines, making more metal. Metal bands would achieve great success, and be the most popular people in the world. All the big music awards would be given to them. There would be music stores on every corner, selling metal albums. We would all gather in designated public metal zones basting the latest releases and headbang together. We would punish criminals by taking away their metal. We would reward do-gooders by giving them more metal. We would become a worldwide metal army– nay a COALITION, spreading the awesome word of metal. Nobody would listen to any other kind of music, or else be assaulted with sticks (made of metal.)

And that’s why.


One response to “Why Everyone Should Listen to Heavy Metal

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