For a while now, I’ve been trying to figure out how to write my award winning novel. Now, writing such a book will surely be no easy task. What with the millions of other books it will compete with for first place in the Booklypmpics. But if you look at today, books are getting famous everyday. I mean, there’s always at least ONE book topping the Super Awesome Book List (not an actual list… I think), and it changes like what, every week? And in the history of the world, there have to have been what, a BILLION weeks? So with billions of books and billions of weeks, my book HAS to have a shot to win the Work Book Championships. Now I just have to get around to writing it. But I DO want it to defeat all its Bookfoes in my lifetime, so that severely cuts down my selection of weeks. And no, there is no flaw in my logic, I have a certain credibility to make it work.
To that end, I’ve come up with a few possible methods to ensure the crowning of my novel as BooKing.
1) Get there first
Everybody wants to be first right? Sports participants of all kinds, scientists trying to invent the cure for cancer (which I will also do BTW, just a heads up), guys who really need to pee but there’s only one urinal, everyone. So, my book will be hailed as a classic, just because it will be FIRST. First what exactly, I have no idea. But people are always looking for “fresh, new ideas” or “dynamic concepts” and stuff like that. It’s not really hard to come up with something original, that’s not the problem. You can come up with all the crazy shit you want, but it’s not going to be called classic crazyism until you get people to IMITATE you. So you’re looking for both original and influential. Well, I’ll obviously write the first novel that TURNS INTO A BOAT. And it won’t even be about Transformers.
2) Be batshit insane
Ah, madness really is the essence of great art. See, some people can write books because they’re smart, like textbook writers or people who make those books about money and stuff. Some people can write books because they offer a perspective that isn’t available to others, like people who write about places nobody can go/nobody cares enough about to go, or people with really cool jobs who write autobiographies. BUT there are also people who are freaking crazy. And everyone knows crazy people are really really good at art. Why? Maybe it’s because of that unique perspective that makes them loony bins. Or maybe their detachment from rational thought allows them to be more in touch with their VERY SOULS, taking away the disconnect between thinking something and putting it down on paper. Or maybe their work is praised by pompous artsy people who don’t want to admit they can’t comprehend a work that really has no meaning. I don’t even have to give examples, do I? Look up some famous painters or something. At LEAST one in four will be a little bit crazy. So I could go sustain major head trauma, then cut my arm off and spray the blood in pretty patterns all over a notebook, throw Scrabble tiles at it and see what sticks. You know, that sounds pretty damn good.
There is a LOT to this actually… and I don’t think I want to use it all in one post. Maybe I’ll just post this and come back to it later then…
But you’ll all know this shit works when you see A Certain Novel at the top of children’s Christmas wish lists next year (even with all the sex and/or violence). Then they’ll make a statue of me in a fountain that people will throw coins into. And I’ll get to keep ALL THE COINS.