I Like Bears

Let’s compare.

I have extensive knowledge of several branches of science. I’m that one guy in math class that everyone hates cause he always gets the highest scores. And did I mention that this math class is Extremely Advanced Analytic Calculatory Algeboobs? Well it is. I can calculate those really big numbers and found a fancy one that never ends and everyone uses it now to calculate the deliciousness of cookies. In fact, they put my face on a button on the calculator, between e and pi. I am being chased by a grizzly bear. I know the bear’s hibernation pattern but fuck, it’s not hibernation season. I can name every molecule in the bear’s body as well as their functions. As its teeth molecules rip into my chest molecules.

I work out. A lot. I have all those muscles that people talk about when they’re talking about working out. I can run a mile in fifty three seconds.  Sorry, I can’t say much else because I honestly have no idea what I’m talking about. I am being chased by a grizzly bear. I run deeper into the forest, dodging trees and small animals. I reach a river and hop on high rocks, only reducing my speed a hair to avoid slipping. But in my haste, I don’t realize that the bear has taken another path and is roaring triumphantly on the opposite shore. I jump clear over its head, and take advantage of my position by grabbing it in a fancy martial arts throw, and I hurl it into the river with a spin. It groans as it gets to its feet, gives me a look of hateful respect, and backs away into the dense forest.

Now what was the point of that? It was obviously to show that when it really comes down to it, physical strength is clearly more effective, right? But if you change the setting to a university, and the grizzly bear to an angry college professor, Paragraph One Guy would probably win. So what AM I trying to say?

Intelligence is overrated. So is brute strength. Not to mention being able to speak Chinese, knowing the meaning of life, having really nice hair, and being very, very pretty. Basically anything that could be considered an advantage.

I’ve always considered myself intellectual, if only because I can’t call myself particularly strong, or brimming with what the TV calls “heart”. And I suppose intellectually I haven’t been doing totally horribly. The fact that people aren’t leaving death threats in the comments section (please don’t) means I could be doing worse. So for most of my life, I’ve considered that to be my forte. Or at least the only thing I’m kinda good at.

If I had some superhero friends, I’d probably be the brains (or comic relief butt monkey). I’ve been counting on my mind to come through for me my whole life, and will probably be counting on it until I have enough money to buy a fancy robot servant. But then I’ve been thinking, is that REALLY the best idea (counting on my mind, not the robot servant. Robot servant is an awesome idea)? Because as I have so eloquently illustrated here, intelligence might not be so useful.

But that’s alright, right? We all have our strengths and weaknesses.  Well yes, we do. But on TV, they matter a lot less than in real life. The brains would obviously never be attacked by a grizzly bear, unless one of his friends is close enough to save him just as the episode is about to end. Or unless he’s supposed to overcome his weaknesses with love or something. And the friend that did the bear saving wouldn’t have a test given by an angry college professor unless the brains is there to tutor him for it.

Unfortunately, humanity isn’t split into teams according to our abilities so that each group is prepared for any eventuality and can always come to the aid of any of their brethren, teaching each other lessons along the way.  People fail tests all the time because they didn’t have a super smart nerd friend, or because they didn’t study or because they were out all night at a discotheque. And sadly, people to this day get attacked by bears. I think. I hope.

See, no skill, or trait, or piece of information is really better than any other. It all depends on circumstance, which isn’t exactly easy to control. So it makes no difference if I decide to study instead of go to the gym, or if i decide to write this instead of creating a magical elixir that will make me live forever. It’s like picking a number from one to six and rolling a damn die. Because if circumstances call for me to be smart, good, but if they call for me to be ab-having, then I’m screwed. And sure you can anticipate which will be needed, but outside of school or work, or controlled environments, out in the real world, which we will all have to face at one point or another, you can’t. Maybe a serial killer will approach you and kill you if you can’t do algebra. Or maybe he’ll kill you if you can’t do a backflip. Who knows? It’s all the same  because one particular skill will probably be useless more times that it will be useful.

So I’ve established that we’re all screwed right? What do we do now? Whatever makes you happy. Because one way or another, the world is gonna keep throwing crap your way, crap that you aren’t prepared for. There’s no way you can be prepared for it all.  So it’s better to do whatever the fuck you want and get screwed than do something you don’t want to and STILL get screwed, right?


3 responses to “I Like Bears

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