All the Titles are Arbitrary

Whenever I’m walking somewhere, and I have my laptop with me, I  always have to adjust the strap of my laptop bag every once in a while, hike it up my shoulder. There are two reasons for this. First, because if I didn’t adjust it, it would keep falling, and my laptop would break, and that would cost me a lot of money. And I have no money. The second, and much more important reason is because I’m pretending that the strap is the World Heavyweight Championship, and I have to keep moving it around because that’s always what the champion does when he’s headed out to the ring like a cocky son of a bitch. It’s always been a dream of mine to win it, see. Not a dream that I would actually work to achieve, but one that just sits in my head and makes boring things (like walking) a bit more fun.

And that’s only one of the things I do to try to make life less… life-y. There are a whole lot more that I would really rather not get into, but they all play their parts to make sure I get out of bed, and do whatever it is I need to do that day. Why am I sharing this? Well precisely because I’m bored and am pretending that the whole internet will care. That’ll get me through the next life-y hour, I think.

Side note: This is the first time I’ve typed a whole entry that the spellchecker found no problem with. Yes, I am extremely proud of this.

Bakin’ Easycakes

After months of intense back-and-forth-yness I’ve decided to shift, finally. And now that my mind is set on it I don’t really have to do much else. Well… all the shifting stuff. But that’s easycakes. Oh, and I have to tell my parents. As much as I would love not to, I’m pretty sure they’d be suspicious when I graduate a year earlier than I’m supposed to. And when my degree doesn’t have the word “Biology” on it. Unless they happen to put “Not Biology” on it. And unlike all the hookers I’ve killed and all the drugs I do on a regular basis (10:00-11:30 MWF), I think this counts as something they should know. Stupid heredity.

As you may or may not be able to tell from this, I don’t find long discussions with my parents particularly pleasant so I’ve been thinking of ways to get the conversation started. Some of my better ideas are presented below.

– Bring up a country that partakes in lavish feasts (India, China, etc. I think. I or I’m being racist). Somebody will say “I wish I could have one of those ten course meals.” At this point, I interject with “Speaking of courses…” and go right into the rest of the thing.

– Wait until my dad needs help with his laptop, which is pretty much every other day. Incorporate the following sentence into my telling him how to do stuff: “Well yes, just press shift and the letters will come out capital. And speaking of shift…”

– Catch my parents watching one of their police procedural/courtroom dramas. One of the characters will inevitably mention his/her law degree from a fancy college, at which point I will interrupt with “Speaking of a law degree…” Of course, this would only work if I was going to try to get a law degree so I guess it’s… not going to work.

– Commit a series of murders, the victims of which will all be people tied to the field of Biology (researchers, lab techs, students, etc.). After pulling off several of these murders without being caught because I was wearing gloves and didn’t leave any fingerprints, I’ll bring the news up to my parents with “Boy, it’s a bad time to be a Biology major right now. Which is great cause…”

I admit, I still have to give it some thought.

Just an Observation

I have failed. Miserably. Should have known better than to even think about attempting it. I can’t say I actually attempted though because… I didn’t. I really wonder what that says about me as a person but… I don’t really want to get into that here.

Oh well, there’s always the new year. Which is pretty much the same as the old year, except we’ll be writing 2012 on everything.

All the Way There

I took the train today. The LRT, to be specific. But there aren’t any stations near my house. So I took the MRT there. Took a train to go to a train. It’s not just changing lines. not when your destination is the train. Sure, I got off at another stop once I got on the second train. I got off at four, in fact. But they weren’t really destinations, since it didn’t matter exactly which was which. So they were just places, doing what they do best. Sitting then, just like places often do. And the those four stops, I did… nothing.

Areas around train stations and crowded roads aren’t exactly the best places to hang around. But my desire to wander and get lost was stifled by the strength of my feet and my… not wanting to get lost, so I (as well as my companions) limited our exploration to the immediate vicinity of wherever we got off. It was strange. Everybody was rushing somewhere. They all had destinations. I just had… places. Places that I knew nothing about too. Which made the most mundane things exciting. I already know that most run-down shopping complexes smell like fried food and fake pants. But I don’t know what THIS one smells like, let’s go inside!

This all ties in with the longest term goal I have right now. That is, to finish college, get a job, and be able to support myself. I don’t call it becoming an adult though, because I’ll obviously retain my childlike sense of whimsy and fun. My studio apartment will have a gumball machine, and theme parties. And I’ll put in a secret passage too. Without getting a permit for it.

Well, I’ve been chipping away at it bit by bit. But I think I’ve just passed the “Won’t die if left alone for a week” line, and am still pretty damn far from the “Functioning member of society” line. And this trainventure (That’s train adventure, not train venture. Train venture sounds like something people would invest in) did serve some purpose. First of all, it’s given me something to write about for English. Yes this was an assignment. A very cool assignment. But it’s also given me an idea of how to deal with… the people that you don’t know. They should come up with a word for that. And I suppose I should really try to get out of my little bubble if I’m going to function out in the world. Or at least be opening to moving my bubble somewhere else.  This must be how the repressed, never left the village in my life Disney characters feel.

I’ve never really just… gone to places either. Without some sort of purpose. At least, places that are more than a few minutes away from my house/school. Going to a place you have absolutely no emotional attachment to is refreshing, and I highly recommend it to all of you. I think that’s all I should say about this, so I’ll finish up. I didn’t really want to write about this at all, because it isn’t the kind of thing I post here, really. Much too personal. Not meaning private, just meaning… about my person. But this type of thing is one that just begs to be written about.

Aw, Well

Sometimes I think that if I can just keep up my pace, everything will turn out awesome. I’ll just keep going and going. Not too fast. But nothing will be able to stop me. I’ll get everything I ever wanted, within reason at least. Not all at once, like some divine outpouring of gifts. But slowly, one by one, when I deserve them. Just like every little boy was taught by his parents. Patience finally paying off for once. But my fortune will not be a reward for temperance, or any measure of my soul alone, but also of my skill for doing what I love.

And I’ll surround myself with family. Not blood family, mind. They’ll still be there making occasional appearances in my life. But I’m talking about the surrogate family comprised of all my closest friends. Because while I’m probably not too likable at first, they’re the ones who for some reason or another stuck around long enough to realize that I’m not THAT much of a loser. Does that sound exactly like the plot of Friends? Yes. And that is not at all a bad thing.

That doesn’t seem like too much to ask, does it? Not happiness or anything. Just contentedness. Like a circle satisfied only going around itself time in, time over. Is it so hard to imagine that I can squeeze at least that much good from this universe? That I’ll get good things by doing good things, like how the universe was always supposed to work? Is it so hard to imagine that I can at least make myself think this with any kind of constancy? No, apparently not.

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A Sack of Potatoes

I don’t usually post stuff I write for school online. But I’m going to make an exception for this. See, I actually cannibalized one of my entires to get this done, so I feel I owe the blog sometime in return, at least. I suppose this is kind of like seeing your child all grown up or something. It’s pretty long, so don’t feel obligated to read. I just feel obligated to post. So here’s to you, Fallen Motorcycle Man. It’s not a post-rock song, but it’ll have to do.

—

Here’s the thing. I didn’t really notice how bad the traffic was until I was a few minutes in. The rest of the road up to that point had been totally clear, so it was the kind of traffic that had to be caused by an accident. It was. I was expecting some regular superficial scratch and bump situation where everybody is being held up because the drivers are arguing about insurance, and the police officers are taking up more of the road with their cars because they want to feel like they’re actually doing something. But it was actually a motorcycle/taxi mess. I noticed because there was a stationary taxi and a motorcycle on the ground. I’m quite observant, aren’t I? Oh, and there was a crowd around a man who was bleeding, from the quick glimpse of him I got, quite profusely. Damn.

I had been on my way home from spending the day at my high school fair. It was the kind of day where so much happens that when it’s all done, your head needs a while to sort through it all. Everything he said, and everything she said, all the places I was, with who, what time, when so and so left and when whatshisface joined us. All the various things to consider when trying to be part of our society’s complex web of social arrangements. All the various things that people with friends don’t really consider. But still, I thought I was doing pretty well for myself that day. I made some new friends, talked to some old ones, and even met that guy I always thought was kinda creepy, and really white.

What does this have to do with Fallen Motorcycle Man? I’ll get to that in a second. Don’t forget about him just yet.

One of the events my friends and I went to was this open mic thing in a room I never knew about but always suspected was there. Mostly I went out of obligation, since I told people there that I would check it out, and two of the guys I was with wanted to play some song they wrote. So I sat on the mattresses they had laid on the floor, and wondered how long I had to stay before I could leave. My friends had already played their song, but wanted to stick around some more. As for me, there weren’t so many people there that it would qualify as crowded, but not so few that the event seemed like a failure, so I stretched out on a mattress and enjoyed the respite from the heat and the noise that had gotten pretty annoying by then. By now my friends were already planning a second performance, I suspect to impress one of the girls there that one of them liked, so I figured they would be there a while, and I decided to stay as well.

I scribbled a quick something on a piece torn notebook paper and a pen that was extremely uncooperative. I went up and read it. The lights were pretty bright, and they shone through the paper and the faded ink, turning what I wrote damn near invisible. I feared the audience would think I had no basic grasp of the English language. I got through it, without mispronouncing the dangerous three syllable words. The audience clapped. Probably not because I was any good, but because that’s just what you do when somebody talking on a microphone stops talking. But they didn’t chuckle or openly mock me, which I figured was a reasonable possibility, so I felt pretty good about myself.

And please don’t forget about Fallen Motorcycle Man. He’s important.

I was supposed to meet a bunch of people for dinner. They were all supposed to ride together and meet me at the school. And it’s like the universe wanted to give me another story to tell, so they were late. I ended up with a few hours of free time, so I sat in the cafeteria looking for somebody to talk to. This was a strange time, I suppose because there weren’t that many people there and it was the middle of the afternoon. There were a few tables with some people I didn’t know, and had no intention of talking to. The only people I knew were sitting around a table too small for their number. They were probably around six, but as I approached, most of them stood up to leave. I should probably mention, these were considered the “weird” guys in our school. I was never in a position to discriminate, so I had talked to them on occasion. I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with them at that particular moment though… but I really wanted somewhere to sit, and theirs was the only table with free chairs I had seen all day. Plus one of them had spotted me and said he liked my shirt. Damn. They had appealed to my tiredness and my ego because in fairness my shirt was totally awesome that day.

I’ll get to Fallen Motorcycle Man eventually. Be patient.

One of them had brought a deck of tarot cards which, I hadn’t known until then, were against the rules. Apparently they constituted gambling (with fate?). Only two of them were left when I sat down. I asked about the cards. The one who brought them offered to read me. The other seemed to instantly fill up with barely controlled glee, like he knew some trick behind all this. But I had nothing else to do so I agreed. It was all very complicated and I confused me a great deal. I don’t remember exactly what he predicted about my future, but I remember being impressed and believing it, just a little.

He didn’t predict Fallen Motorcycle Man, strangely enough. Looking back now, only the vaguest predictions have come true.

After that session, I headed out to meet my friends who had finally arrived. We went to a restaurant and ate and talked, and laughed at each other’s shortcomings, insecurities and fears. Regular friend stuff. We paid the bill and left. I made my way home. Now we get to Fallen Motorcycle Man.

What’s my point? All this actually happened over a few days. On day one I knew what would happen on days two and three. On day two, I remembered what had happened on day one, and was looking forward to the events I had anticipated for day three. You get the picture. There was even a whole thing with impoverished school children, but that was surprisingly unremarkable. The thing is, all of these things actually happened to me. And yet, they’re gray and blob-ish in my memory. In fact, I’m making some of this up just so it’s a coherent story. And I’m probably making some of it up unintentionally. I’m trying to be 100% accurate, but it’s not happening. But the memory of Fallen Motorcycle Man is the clearest one. But it had no effect on me at all, aside from making me a few minutes late for dinner. Unlike everything that happened to me, this one didn’t happen to me. It happened to him. But that’s what I remember from those few days most clearly.

For some reason, all of that seems less significant, even though at the time, they were pretty big. I was functioning like a real person with friends and everything. I had gotten up the courage to get over my sometimes crippling inability to talk to people I didn’t know, let alone a neither crowded nor empty room. I had blown my future wide open, or at least that’s what the cards said. But I did nothing about it. I wondered why, and I kept coming back to Fallen Motorcycle Man. Something about him stopped me from acting. I wondered why. It’s been a long time, and I’m still working on it.

I thought it was something to do with the fact that I might have just witnessed a man’s death. But he was pretty adamant about trying to sit up and yelling at the guy that hit him, so that probably wasn’t it. When I saw it, my thought went from pity, to sadness, to slight concern, to “I really hate motorcycles when I’m driving”, to hunger, to “somewhere out there, SOMEBODY is having a worse day than I am. And a worse day than he is.” My thought process goes pretty much the same way when I look back. I never find answers. I’ve thought about how I only even saw him as Fallen Motorcycle Man and, would be unable to recognize him any other way, even though he may not even remember the accident. His name might be Bob, or Dylan. He might even have died, and from something having nothing to do with motorcycles. Like cancer. Or sharks. I’ve thought about how he has a whole life story, but for the people who were there that night, he will forever be known as Fallen Motorcycle Man.

It only occurs to me now, a little bit of the answer I’m looking for. Why I never acted while things seemed to be going well. It’s because I keep thinking. About Fallen Motorcycle Man, about Guy Who Spilled His Juice, Lady with Two Kids, Really Fat Guy, and all the other characters I have in my head. Because instead of doing something with real people, I’m usually content to toy around with the people in my head. I spend so much of my time thinking about what to do, what I want to do, that I never get around to actually doing any of it. Even this paper was written in a rush because I kept thinking about what to write and had very little time to actually write it. So that’s why my life is how it is. Maybe. I’ll have to keep thinking about it.

—

So yeah, this ended up being my final reflection paper for English 12. Despite the instructions, I may have taken a few liberties with reality here and there, but it’s mostly intact. If you think you’re in this story, well you might be. But it’s supposed to be all anonymous so if you feel the need to ask, ask me in person or something.

This is ALSO to see if this whole Facebook connection thingy is a good idea. I’m like the WWE, social networking and shit.

That Damn Puppet

11/11/11/.

Yes, I suppose it’s that time of… decade. When people wish for whatever their hearts desire. It’s like Christmas, but all the presents are imaginary. It’s all very confusing, really. In all of my research (first page of Google results), I haven’t been able to find much about its origins or any meaning to the number 1 that would make it particularly suited for magic or Jinnism. And honestly, I don’t think people actually think it works. I mean, if it did I’m pretty sure there would be world peace, no poverty, no racism, and most importantly, teenage relationships would be broken apart or put together so fast it’d give [name of high school drama] a run for its money. So it has no history or meaning. It doesn’t actually have the power to bend reality. So why are people so excited about 11/11/11 and its cousin 11:11, not to mention its incestuous love child 11:11 on 11/11/11?

Well I know I’m not the most optimistic of people. I’m not trying to pretend the world doesn’t have its share of problems. Everyone knows that it does. And that tends to make people sad. Because even if you don’t care about war or poverty, or the polar bears running out of ice to stand on, somebody will yell at you for it and you’ll get sad anyway.

So everyday, we’re confronted with irrefutable evidence that all our lives suck. There’s so much of it in fact, that even though nobody really WANTS to think it, they can’t help but. So I guess its only natural for us to develop some sort of defense. I’m gonna say that’s why people wish. Cause for maybe just a second they think things will get better. For them, for the world, whatever. It’s a moment of thinking that everything isn’t going horribly wrong. And I guess we really need that second, just to get us through the various things we have to get through every goddamn day.

When somebody attached a number, totally arbitrarily to it, it increased the effect. People saved all their mental wishing power for 11:11 everyday. Somebody else said it, so there’s more reason to believe, right?  And once the 11:11 thing spread, it was only a matter of time until people started looking forward to 11/11/11. One superbigmegawish. Enough hope to maybe get them through the next decade. Or at least to the next 11:11.

So to all the wishers out there, give it your all. Don’t stop at wishing for the girl to like you back, or wishing for that awesome whatever it is you want. Wish that it would rain gold, or that we could all ride bears instead of cars, or that sunlight would taste like blue Skittles. Take a second-long break into any fantasy land you choose. You probably need it.

 

EDIT: In case you’re wondering, I finished writing this at roughly 2:30AM on November 11th, 2011 (+8GMT). And yes, I did make a wish.

I Like Bears

Let’s compare.

I have extensive knowledge of several branches of science. I’m that one guy in math class that everyone hates cause he always gets the highest scores. And did I mention that this math class is Extremely Advanced Analytic Calculatory Algeboobs? Well it is. I can calculate those really big numbers and found a fancy one that never ends and everyone uses it now to calculate the deliciousness of cookies. In fact, they put my face on a button on the calculator, between e and pi. I am being chased by a grizzly bear. I know the bear’s hibernation pattern but fuck, it’s not hibernation season. I can name every molecule in the bear’s body as well as their functions. As its teeth molecules rip into my chest molecules.

I work out. A lot. I have all those muscles that people talk about when they’re talking about working out. I can run a mile in fifty three seconds.  Sorry, I can’t say much else because I honestly have no idea what I’m talking about. I am being chased by a grizzly bear. I run deeper into the forest, dodging trees and small animals. I reach a river and hop on high rocks, only reducing my speed a hair to avoid slipping. But in my haste, I don’t realize that the bear has taken another path and is roaring triumphantly on the opposite shore. I jump clear over its head, and take advantage of my position by grabbing it in a fancy martial arts throw, and I hurl it into the river with a spin. It groans as it gets to its feet, gives me a look of hateful respect, and backs away into the dense forest.

Now what was the point of that? It was obviously to show that when it really comes down to it, physical strength is clearly more effective, right? But if you change the setting to a university, and the grizzly bear to an angry college professor, Paragraph One Guy would probably win. So what AM I trying to say?

Intelligence is overrated. So is brute strength. Not to mention being able to speak Chinese, knowing the meaning of life, having really nice hair, and being very, very pretty. Basically anything that could be considered an advantage.

I’ve always considered myself intellectual, if only because I can’t call myself particularly strong, or brimming with what the TV calls “heart”. And I suppose intellectually I haven’t been doing totally horribly. The fact that people aren’t leaving death threats in the comments section (please don’t) means I could be doing worse. So for most of my life, I’ve considered that to be my forte. Or at least the only thing I’m kinda good at.

If I had some superhero friends, I’d probably be the brains (or comic relief butt monkey). I’ve been counting on my mind to come through for me my whole life, and will probably be counting on it until I have enough money to buy a fancy robot servant. But then I’ve been thinking, is that REALLY the best idea (counting on my mind, not the robot servant. Robot servant is an awesome idea)? Because as I have so eloquently illustrated here, intelligence might not be so useful.

But that’s alright, right? We all have our strengths and weaknesses.  Well yes, we do. But on TV, they matter a lot less than in real life. The brains would obviously never be attacked by a grizzly bear, unless one of his friends is close enough to save him just as the episode is about to end. Or unless he’s supposed to overcome his weaknesses with love or something. And the friend that did the bear saving wouldn’t have a test given by an angry college professor unless the brains is there to tutor him for it.

Unfortunately, humanity isn’t split into teams according to our abilities so that each group is prepared for any eventuality and can always come to the aid of any of their brethren, teaching each other lessons along the way.  People fail tests all the time because they didn’t have a super smart nerd friend, or because they didn’t study or because they were out all night at a discotheque. And sadly, people to this day get attacked by bears. I think. I hope.

See, no skill, or trait, or piece of information is really better than any other. It all depends on circumstance, which isn’t exactly easy to control. So it makes no difference if I decide to study instead of go to the gym, or if i decide to write this instead of creating a magical elixir that will make me live forever. It’s like picking a number from one to six and rolling a damn die. Because if circumstances call for me to be smart, good, but if they call for me to be ab-having, then I’m screwed. And sure you can anticipate which will be needed, but outside of school or work, or controlled environments, out in the real world, which we will all have to face at one point or another, you can’t. Maybe a serial killer will approach you and kill you if you can’t do algebra. Or maybe he’ll kill you if you can’t do a backflip. Who knows? It’s all the same  because one particular skill will probably be useless more times that it will be useful.

So I’ve established that we’re all screwed right? What do we do now? Whatever makes you happy. Because one way or another, the world is gonna keep throwing crap your way, crap that you aren’t prepared for. There’s no way you can be prepared for it all.  So it’s better to do whatever the fuck you want and get screwed than do something you don’t want to and STILL get screwed, right?

Bowling

I really suck at meeting people.

I mean, can’t we live in a world where I can just say “No, we probably DON’T have that much and common, and I really do think you are a very nice person. I just don’t want to talk to you right now. Maybe sometime in the future. But not now. Now please leave me alone.”

I’ve been trying to do the whole socializing thing, but it’s REALLY HARD. Nothing against the people, but it’s just freaking tiring for me to try to go through all the social rules and stuff, try to make myself seem more approachable and crap like that. I want to be friends with you people, really I do. But can’t we all just get along without the stupid group dynamic, personality dominance battles, and just plain bullshit pre-personalities? Can’t we just have ACTUAL conversations and not talk about lowest-common-denominator shit? Usually this is where I would go on a long rant about the state of the world or something. But this is the first time I’m updating in a while. And I’m really freaking tired.